How to Talk to Your Enemies - excerpt

Do you avoid conflict? I definitely do! It’s something I’m working on. 

Alicia Dunams has a book on this topic: How to Talk to Your Enemies: 101 + Ways to Turn Hostility Into Peace, and she is on a mission to get this book to every member of Congress. 

Alicia has graciously allowed me to publish an excerpt from her book. I especially love her tips in the bullet points. Check it out below

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Peace is not the absence of conflict but rather the ability to manage it. To resolve conflicts with communication, approach conversations with an emphasis on mediation-based skills and protocols (some listed below). This can help reduce miscommunication and de-escalate conflict. 

• Ground yourself in peace and acceptance (through meditation and breathwork.)

• Face each other in an open-bodied position and make “soft” eye contact.

• To de-escalate conflicts, slow down chit-chat and conversation and ask deliberate questions to ensure understanding, such as “What was your experience of [circumstance/behavior]?

• Paraphrasing what the other party has said can act as a neutral third party in a two-person conflict and help the other party feel heard. Such as, “What I heard you say is …. Is that correct?” or “Let me see if I understand you correctly."

• Empathy and “others-centered” thinking are essential. Ask yourself, “What does the other party need to feel whole and complete?”

Conflict resolution is an important skill set. Conflict avoided only leads to more conflict. When we don’t talk things out, and get clear with others, conflict escalates. 

All conflict is a result of unmet expectations, which are rooted in the past. Looking at the past, we often come from the complaint of what was instead of what is (the present moment). Imagination is about creating a new future–what can be. Whether in a boardroom, a family room, or points in between, we can heal the past and move forward to create a new future with mindful communication. 

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